I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
