I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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