Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
