I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
