I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
