Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
