We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
