I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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