my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
