Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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