and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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