Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am naked and annoyed.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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