i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
