Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
