facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
