im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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