So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
