found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize