She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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