the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
