I just pynch a tree in the face
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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