I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
