He asked to "fluff my boner.."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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