i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
