he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
