It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
