Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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