so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
