Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
