while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
