I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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