Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
