ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to cum in my sink.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
