The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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