dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
