Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
