forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
