Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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