dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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