i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize