made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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