Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Drake has all the answers
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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