Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Randomize
