Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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