Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize