At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
