in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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