Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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