i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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