don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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