i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I need moral support for this bender
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
