does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
