Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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