Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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