**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
