Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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