I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
