Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize