my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
