I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
