Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
