I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
