Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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