I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
