there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
