Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
