yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
