She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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