I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
