thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
